No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
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Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I wish this was real life…
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man