She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
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Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman: