In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
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My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Always a metermaid never a meter
Saw online –
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak