if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
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As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
i’m sure it’s fine
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
God has abandoned us.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
it is time once again