*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
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Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck