Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
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My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.