power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
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anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Smooooooth
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend