Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
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Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”