Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
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[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.