Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
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i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Liquor Store Parking
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth