Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
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People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.