FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
You Might Also Like
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people