“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
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Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister