If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
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*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin