Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
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The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.