When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
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What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
#TopTip
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Hey I worked for it too!
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.