“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
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Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.