So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
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*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.