It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
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Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…