Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
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What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.