You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
You Might Also Like
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
X-tra spooky blend
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way