adding to the discourse
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I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.