Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
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cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”