Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
You Might Also Like
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!