me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
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Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Not messing around
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.