If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
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Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Buying a well is money well spent.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?