Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
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Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Stonehinge
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool