(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
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ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Denise please return my vape pen
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”