Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
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I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
The options really are this bad
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.