daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
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Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.