He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
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movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
how long have you had this for?
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Those are good neighbors.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲