[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
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Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Software Development ⛵️
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king