[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
You Might Also Like
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.