This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
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*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.