My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
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The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
peak technology
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.