Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
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This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Sorry I made promises on Friday
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy