You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
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sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Erm…
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.