Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
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Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.