before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
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Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Never forget.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
At an art museum and I thought this was art
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen