Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
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I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
The answer is funnier than the question
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )