What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
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My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.