*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
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I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…