“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
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Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
#milo
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…