Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
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I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me