What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
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They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
me when the borders lift
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything