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5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.