You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
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My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?