[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
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All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances