there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
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[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
🤣😂🤣
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware