I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
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A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Well. That’s not a good sign.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?